State & Country Help

i really want to take some time to talk about our judicial system, i have had it no matter what i do in the state of new jersey it seems like no one is willing to help you, its sad because the government and states are allowed to steal from us and when we need help we cant get it? even though we have worked and done our share for this country? where is our freedom and our rights, everything is all money there's no sincerity here, they don't care as long as there not on the streets or struggling to make it by, in order for me to get help i have to go to a shelter and risk getting hurt or medically injured i mean they really feel okay with a young mother to be in that kind of society? people who come here and don't have papers can get all the help they need. i have been more than open minded to this subject and i still believe that they should get help but us american's should come first and we come last... were is the help that i need? what is the difference of being born here than any were else, its supposedly better? the only thing better is the money but in reality its no different than any other place in the world. we are no better than anyone else. why cant we help each other out? i hate money i really despise it at this point because it corrupts people into thinking that's what it takes, our society has made it seem like that but take time to think if we didn't have money... we could survive a lot easier. people did it for years and centuries, we are killing our selves by being selfish and not giving to others... we need to take more money from the rich and give to the poor. its so sad how this country is falling apart & the only help we give is when we need something in return. some people don't even have to pay taxes and they get all the money they want because of the state they live in colliding with their religion or ancestors... remember that we are all somehow illegal we all came here and took over the property. i know that in the end the people who did help and who struggled but still kept their head up will get help in the end and those who turned away and didn't care will fall and perish. i hope that when my son gets older and has to go through life that he will have help, cause i know as long as i'm alive this struggle gives me more strength knowing that i will make it better for him. i pray for the people who don't give a damn cause they will suffer in the end of days.

Trying to look up

with everything that has gone on in this past year i feel like im not accomplishing very much. I get knocked down by everything i try to make better. i feel like a failure at so much in my life, am i worth saving or even capable of doing better? for so long and so many years i was never told i could do something, that my life is just a path that will eventually end no were. im so determined to change things and i think im losing who i am along the way. i wish i could've seen my future up to this point or could know that everything in the end will get better with time and patience, its easy for someone to tell you but its harder to believe it and see it as a truth when it never appears. my heart is screaming but my voice is silent and dwelling in this pain of every day wondering why and how im gonna make it through. its hard being a young parent but its even harder when you dont know what your doing is either right or wrong.. every parent just wants to do the right thing so they know in the end they did the best they could and that to their own they can look up to you. again its hard, so many things you can do when you dont have the responsibility. i would have never got married if id of seen the outcome. then again i did it for him, for him to have a better life, i tried for so long and put up with so much that if anyone could play my life back and see every little detail they wouldve wondered what was wrong with me. i know i do every day, i wonder to myself what was i thinking and did i really do what was right for me? whether you are a parent or your getting ready to be put yourself first cause once you loose that, its hard to be better and do better for your child.

So many tears

For so long all I've done was cry over you and ask myself what is wrong with me? why does he treat me like this, when he calls me names and puts his hands on me? I've put my self down and for what? a loser who treats me like shit? i feel so stupid for the person i once was, and i still feel like I'm recovering from this bullshit... ugh i want to move on and every time i look at our child i see you and i see the pain he is gonna go through with these decissions you are making. its not only effecting you but the son you have who takes your last name... i want to take that away from you, i wish i could give him my last name you don't deserve him to carry on yours. why cant you see all the pain, you think your right for partying and going out.. do u now see when your son is beggining, he doesnt even ask cause he gave up but begging to be with you. i want whats best for my son and u being his father sadly isnt it.... your gonna wake up and realize when everything is gone and all u have is drinking and partying, but all your friends will carry on and you wont.

Michael

Being Positive

With everything going on in my life now a days i cant help but get lost in thinking the negative thoughts of why and how and when. it drives me crazy and i need to stop before my mind completely goes insane. being surrounded by all the amazing people in my life is helping me more than i could know. Right now i have a guy who makes me feel complete, who really is easy to talk to and believes in who i am. i have my friend who has helped me and not been afraid to tell me i was wrong. in a way im happy im leaving behind who i use to be. im looking towards my future with my son.. with a new family one day i will create. its amazing, staying positive and believing in god is what i need to do at this moment. i know he wants to tear me down and wants me to just give up but it wont happen no more. with that said im making this promise to myself, to take everything out of my life that is not good for me, to be true to who i am and be the person i once was. your gonna struggle but thats the point of being successful and happy. at one time you were my everything and i gave up so much but right now your no longer my future... im letting you and the negativity go and starting fresh for myself and my son.

Dazed & Alone..

I cant take this pain in my heart, your words keep inpacting me and hurting me, they make me feel like im worthless and have no being.. you said you loved me then why do u constintly treat me like shit? i cant get away from u no matter how much i wanna try and you make me just wanna sleep forever and you see it but do nothing to help me. i feel like every purpose in my life has no meaning except for my son. hes the only thing keeping me strong at this point but i still feel myself weather away. im just dying inside wanting to scream and have someone hear me, take all the pain away.. why cant god grant me the access to escape and do my life right? i feel so foolish & lost and confused and just looking for sincerency.

Bipolar emotions

Theres so many emotions surrounding you that i dont understand... i hate the fact that i was with you and it turned out to be a lie, but then i love the fact i can worry about myself and not fight over the stupid shit. you were never there when i needed you in the end, yes the begining but it just wasnt no more. i go crazy thinking what if and then i tell myself to stop because it will never happen. your not who i thought you were anymore and it makes me feel sad for you. im over the fighting and trying to change you. i have to think about myself and what i want in this life before its over with and life can be short. im looking to the sky for hope and my trust in god that he will guide me into the arms of someone else to put me first in this world.